I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
