I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
