Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What a dumb baby whore.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
