Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
