Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
