Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
