A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
