don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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