it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
