this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
