remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
