Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
