Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
