Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
