So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
