The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
