i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
should my penis look like a turkey
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i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
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Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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