i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Im part way to drunk.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
