Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
