Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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