cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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