11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
