I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
