I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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