Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
