shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
