He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
birth control should be required to get into college
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
my liver is dry heaving
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
