Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
