I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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