I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
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Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
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What changed your mind?
Being sober
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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