Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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