I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
