so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
