I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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