How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
