Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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