girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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