I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
