why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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