I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
