i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
