I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize