Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
