yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
