toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
