She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
