Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
