Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
