I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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