I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
