omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
