Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
