Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"