so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
