If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
