Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
