She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
